Last week’s blog generated a lot of questions about how to respond appropriately when someone is hurting or facing a challenge. As you recall, I wrote about how someone saying “Oh, I’m so sorry”, often doesn’t feel good. So what do you say? And what’s wrong with saying “I’m sorry”. (Actually nothing when the intention is clear…read on).
Lest you think I have traveled into the land of Ann Landers, this isn’t so much about manners as it is about being conscious about your words and the energy and intention behind them. I teach a lot about energy boundaries and exchanges in my Illumination program. Think of this as a lesson in energy management.
Here’s why pity feels so sh**y. It’s the ENERGY behind it, not the specific words. When the energy comes from the thought that you need help, that you aren’t capable of handling whatever it is that has happened, there is judgment. Judgment has an energy that can be felt…and it doesn’t feel good. When you are a highly sensitive empath, you don’t just hear the words, you feel the energy behind it and you can be left wondering why such a “nice” exchange has you feeling worse.
Some people enjoy learning about others troubles. They want to “help”, they want to “rescue”. In reality they are engaged in a form of energy stealing. When they “help” or “rescue” another, it’s a way they take energy from that person. And that folks, feels sh**y. It’s rarely a conscious intention but is the result of being oblivious to one’s own inner workings. (Of course, what others do to your energy is totally in your control..more from the Illumination Program).
The energy of pity is a low vibration. Bringing “pity” energy to the person who may already be in a place of low vibration will not help the situation. Projecting a loving energy, knowing that this person has all they need to handle the situation is the best way you can be of service. Share the vibration of love and you will help lift them up. Expect them to succeed.
Here’s another disempowering phrase : “I’m so proud of you”. This is okay from a mother whose 2 year old just used the toilet by herself. Think about that phrase. A person is taking pride in another’s achievement. Why? Did they have something to do with it? If not, there is no reason for the other to take pride. I get that many people say these things with good intentions and because frankly they never really thought about it. When you say something like this with heart felt love, it will not feel bad.
And…
There are other ways to show support and love. Here are a few ideas to start with. Try them out on yourself and see which feels better to you. Which would you rather hear?
“I’m so proud of you” versus
I admire what you have done.
Your work inspires me.
I honor the work you have done.
“How can I help you” (assuming they have not directly asked for help) versus
If you decide you need support, I am here for you. Just let me know what you need.
A few readers asked me what do you say when someone has experienced a loss due to death. In this case, “I’m sorry for your loss” is fine. What’s important is that you open your heart and SEE the person. Be present and allow them to share as they need to.
All any of us really want is to be seen and heard.
Not judged.
Seen.
Loved.
Appreciated for who we are.
Just as we are.
Knowing that we don’t need to be any different to be perfect.
Thank you Wendy for your two most recent posts, and for their heartfelt and honest expression of how others can support or hinder us during times of personal challenge. I hope it is okay that I take this opportunity to add another phrase and energetic that I find problematic when said to or about another person during a time of difficulty, loss or personal challenge: “their soul must have invited this.” When used without greater insight into a particular situation, such a phrase can be highly judgmental, insensitive and traumatizing to another. It is my belief that sometimes some things happen for reasons that are beyond the governance of the soul and can be a result of being in the wrong place at the wrong time, beyond an individual’s control or beyond fixing. While couched in more spiritual speak, to suggest other when it is not so, can be akin to saying that 911 happened because homosexuality prospers in America, as certain parties have overtly implied. Not too long ago, I heard a story of the soul phrase being used in reference to a young woman who had been of a spunky disposition and passed after suffering from an aggressive brain tumor, as if the one led to the other. In our desire to seek answers for things that feel beyond our control or to seek distance from another’s pain, let us not add insult to injury and choose our words carefully. Better to see and feel the family’s pain with sincerity and an open heart and suffice with “I’m sorry for your loss.”